By James Mancuso, Guest Contributor (IDOC #72763)
Relationships are never easy. Add prison walls into the mix and the challenges multiply. Yet for those of us who find love that endures, it can be the most grounding and fulfilling part of our day.
For me, that anchor is Leanne. She is the balm to my soul. Most of the time I walk away from the phone with a smile after talking to her. In here, that kind of joy is priceless.
The secret to our longevity, nearly ten years, is not only love. It is honesty, trust, integrity, and a realistic set of expectations. Love may be the fire, but those values are the foundation that allows it to keep burning. Since most of our connection comes through words, communication is everything.
From the beginning Leanne and I agreed to be real with each other. Life did not stop for her when I came to prison. She is a sensual woman with a healthy libido and a need for physical connection. I love that about her. Trying to control or suppress it would be selfish. Instead, honesty has become our safety net. She can tell me anything. Do I feel jealousy sometimes? Of course. Anyone who loves deeply does. But I do not weaponize those feelings against her. That openness has earned her trust, and in turn, mine.
Just as important are the things I do not do. I do not ask her for money. I do not tell her who she can or cannot see. I do not try to control her life, demean her, or look at everything she does with suspicion. What we have built is respect, not control.
Red Flags and Behaviors to Look Out For
Not every prison relationship is built on that same foundation. Many are scams. I have seen it firsthand. Some men spend all day on their JPay tablets writing women they met on TikTok, Facebook, or Instagram with the sole intent of getting paid. They even team up with other inmates to help each other with the hustle.
If you are writing to an inmate, beware of the red flags.
It should be a red flag if someone tells you they need money for commissary, packages, or asks you to put money on another inmate’s account, especially if you have not even been talking for a week. It is one thing if you choose to offer and they accept. But you should wonder why they do not have a job or what their plan was before you entered their life. It makes me uncomfortable to ask anyone for money, and I usually discourage it when people offer. Also remember that most prisons allow inmates to call or video visit using money on your account. It usually does not have to be placed on their account.
Another red flag is control. If an inmate tells you who you can talk to or tries to dictate your actions, you should understand that those behaviors will not change when they get out. What you see now is what you will get later.
Dishonesty is another issue. Be honest from the beginning about who you are and what you like, whether that is going out, having sex, or spending time with friends. If you lie to keep the peace, the truth will surface and it will destroy trust. Deception is deception, no matter how it is delivered.
Verbal abuse is the final red flag. If someone calls you names, makes you feel like no one else would want you, or convinces you that you are lucky to be with them, run. If they make you feel less than or worthless, that is not love. That is control. Real love does not demean.
What Love Can Look Like
I know the difference because I have lived both. While Leanne and I have had missteps and even separate relationships at times, the honesty and trust between us always drew us back together. When we strayed, we found nothing but dishonesty, games, and pain. Leanne even endured physical and sexual abuse in her relationship.
Because of the honesty and trust we had built, we became like lodestones, always drawn back to one another.
What we have now is not naïve. It is hard-earned.
There are good people in prison who genuinely want to love and be loved. But there are also people who see others only as resources to exploit. The difference comes down to character and expectations.
If you choose to pursue a relationship with someone inside, do it with eyes open. Set realistic expectations. Be honest. Hold yourself and your partner to a standard of integrity and kindness.
Because if you do, love can take root, even in the hardest of places, and grow into something truly beautiful.
Guest Contributor: James Mancuso (IDOC #72763)
This piece was submitted for publication on MeisterArchive.com to highlight inmate perspectives on relationships, lived experience, and ideas for reform.